from "I Thank God For You" by Andrew Osenga, album Choosing Sides, 2010 "I'm singing as you sweetly drift off to sleep, to grow another day I hope there is a special room in Heaven where moms and dads can watch their children play I want you to grow, but I want you to stay..." My sweet baby boy turned two last week. Like most moms do on such occasions, I spent some time remembering the circumstances of his arrival. Waking up at midnight with a sore back. Trying to rest in the recliner, IPhone in hand, timing the space between the pain. Mom driving overnight to get to us before he came. My dear friend, also a delivery nurse, by my side the whole day. Lenny's subs after he arrived. My husband saying to me, "Isn't this the best thing you've ever done?"
But once we left the hospital, the adrenaline of delivery wore away, and the exhaustion and emotional tornado took over. Trouble with breastfeeding. Multiple weight-checks. Infection; children's hospital; formula. All of those struggles seem so small to me now; I can remember them without the hard emotions attached. One moment, though, and the epiphany that followed, has remained foundational for me as a mom. I held him as we rocked in the room painted a green that wasn't quite what I wanted. I'm sure that I was under the influence of hormones, but I looked down at my week old child and started to weep. I became totally overwhelmed with the knowledge that he would not be this small always. I cried for my future self who would, very soon, not have a little bitty baby boy anymore. I know that I am not the only mom who has spent time mourning that time goes by too fast. In fact, I don't know one mom who hasn't. I see my friends posting pictures of their kindergartners with "#timeslowdown" underneath. Or I read a blog about how with parenting, the days are slow but the years are fast. We need to cherish each stress-filled day. Blink and they will be graduating. In fact, strangers in the grocery store or at a restaurant will often remind me of how quickly he will grow. "Enjoy it - he will be married before you know it." It was this truth that I had realized that night when I was rocking my seven-pound baby. It was this truth that left me weeping. I'm not sure how much time passed before I was able to reflect on this moment; it may have been a week or two later when I realized how silly I was being. I had become nostalgic for my baby while I was rocking my baby. I HAD the little bitty baby boy. There was no need to waste my time being sad. Yes, we should cherish the time we have with our kids. But what I came to realize is that we should cherish time with our kids because it is time with our kids - not because one day it will be gone. Not one bit of sadness or nostalgia or longing is going to keep this boy from growing. Once I flipped my thinking, I realized that what I wanted most was for my boy to grow and learn and become a good and loving person. I try hard not to say that I "miss" when my kids were smaller. Yes, those feelings come, but I don't want my boys to think that I'd rather have someone other than who they are right now. Instead of being sad, or thinking about how cruel time is, I try to celebrate each day, month, and year. My little man can count to 10. He can say "I love you mommie." He can sing along to our dinner prayer. My big boy can read chapter books. He can ride a bike and build cool things with Legos. These moments are happening now, and I cherish that God has chosen me to witness them. It's good to remember our babies births. It's good to look at pictures and remember how quickly things change. But being sad at how quickly they have grown makes us, well, sad. Instead, try to spend some time celebrating who your children are today. Tell them what you notice about their accomplishments. Look to the heavens and give thanks that they are growing and learning, and that somehow, God chose you to celebrate each day with them.
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Diana CurtisWife, mom, stepmom, writing instructor, handbell ringer, choir singer, calligrapher, and expert napper. Archives
December 2017
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